Sunday, December 25, 2011

The Roller Coaster

my conscious is killing me. the guilt that builds up over the course of a day is unbelievable. wallowing in the darkness of my deepest despair, i'm reminded of what it could be like to be someone else. and the guilt overtakes me. i like wallowing. it's become a favorite pastime of mine. i enjoy this 1 person pity party that i throw on a daily basis, complete with party favors. pills, alcohol, nicotine and caffeine. you know, the basic four food groups. i can sink down into this like it were a physical thing. drifting deeper and deeper into a welcome oblivion until i'm rudely jerked from my maudlin revelry by this damnable conscious. and the what ifs. what if i were that homeless guy on the corner. what if i were the mother who had lost her child. what if i were the wife of that soldier who was never going to return home? what if...

yea, my life hasn't turned out quite the way i had imagined it when i was 15. or 20. or 30. or 40. let's stop there, ok? suffice it to say, its not what it should have been. something else to be haunted by..the should-have-beens. even worse are the could-have-beens. let's just not go there.

so, the roller coaster continues up and down the tracks. up and down. up and down. feeling bad, feeling guilty, feeling better, feeling fortunate, feeling unfortunate, feeling bad, feeling better. and it goes on. until it stops.